Ubukwe mu Rwanda

Muraho again to you all! I can't believe it's been a month since my last post! I'm not sure if it feels longer or shorter (a little bit of both?).

Anyway, I thought I would write this time about marriage in Rwanda. I've been to two weddings now, one while I was still in Nyanza and one since I arrived at my site, and the ceremony is sufficiently different from that in the States and Europe that I thought you all might like to know.

First, before you even get to the marriage stage, there is of course dating and courtship. In general, Rwandans put off serious dating until they are finished studying (though there are exceptions), so the average age of marriage tends to be the late 20's or earlier 30's. In the past, as in many societies in the world, marriages were arranged based on the benefit it would bring the family. Today, such marriages may exist, but very rarely.

After dating, if a man and a woman want to marry, I've been told that there is generally a meeting between the two families, and there are still cases where a family objects to the marriage and it doesn't happen. If all goes well, however, then a date is set and money is saved to have the big event, the marriage (ubukwe).

Yes, marriages here, just like in the US are expensive affairs, though it's the groom and his family who pays most of the cost here. The most costly part is the dowry, which was traditionally given in cows and is today mostly given in money which signifies cows (more on that later). Besides the dowry, there are also the decorations (traditional mats and fabrics), drinks (and maybe food) for the guests, and entertainment (usually a DJ playing everything from traditional songs to modern hip hop).

Now, to go to a wedding you don't even have to be invited! Yes, there are a lot of wedding crashers in Rwanda! All you have to do is know someone who was invited and tag along with him/her if you want refreshments, or you can just show up and stand around the edges if you're just interested in the ceremony.

The ceremony is interesting. The heads of the family sit facing each other with all their guests behind them, and they basically exchange pleasantries and the story of each partner in the marriage. This, I imagine, used to be done behind closed doors. They typically share some wine, champagne, beer, or soda, and then the "rancher" for the groom's family steps up and sings the names of the "cows" offered to the bride's family (as I said before, it's usually money, but names are made up, and they must signify something). Finally, the bride- and groom-to-be enter and share a soda before tying the knot. (Interestingly, there is no kiss, and in fact I have never seen anyone kiss in public in Rwanda.) Throughout the whole ceremony, the guests are given at least one soda, Coke products, (though richer families give out more) and maybe some food to eat. And, at the second wedding I attended, there was a group of dancers who did some traditional dancing, for which Rwanda is famous.

Anyway, the whole event is an interesting mix of tradition (music, decoration, "cows") and modernity (Coke, hip hop, money).

So, if you ever make it to Rwanda, maybe we'll go crash a wedding together. Until next month, murabeho!