Amasano y'imiryango

Muraho inshuti n'abavandimwe! This month's post comes courtesy of Nanny, who requested more information about family relationships. The information I present applies to what I know from where I live, which, may I remind you, is a small, rural Rwandan village. There are exceptions to almost everything I state, even in my village, and there are infinitely more in the bigger towns and cities, so just keep that in mind as you read. Above all, enjoy, and please contact me with any questions you may have.

Anywhere in the world, it is families who dictate the nature of society. They educate their children in the local culture and customs and right versus wrong and set the tone for how everyday interactions are conducted. I have not had much interaction with different kinds of families, so I am definitely not an expert, but I will attempt to address the “typical” Rwandan family structure, how children are raised, and the roles and responsibilities of family adults.

To talk about families, I should first mention a little bit about marriage, since in Rwanda it is frowned upon to start a family without having first married. (In fact, males are considered “boys” and females “girls” until they marry.) There is a cultural expectation to marry fairly young, and I have known people who were approaching 30 years of age and were beginning to worry a bit because they weren't married. Typically, men seem to be older than the women they marry (perhaps 28 years old compared to the woman's 22 years). After marrying, couples are expected to have children within a year. There are married couples in the Peace Corps, and they get a lot of questions about why they don't have children after having been married for such a long time.

This focus on having children shortly after marriage may help explain the durability of marriages (you know, stay together for the kids sort of thing). There is divorce in Rwanda, but from what I have seen and heard it is quite rare. In fact, I only know one person who has told me he has parents who are divorced. There are certainly some cases where divorce is probably a better option than staying together (e.g. domestic violence, alcohol abuse, emotional abuse, etc.), but, in general, husbands and wives tend to stay together until death do them part.

Staying together and the pressure to have children means that there is still a tendency to have many of them. There are a few reasons for this. In older times, the reasoning was that having many children ensured the survival of at least a few (and this reasoning is slow to change despite drastically increased child survival rates). Now, I would say that the main reasons for having so many children is to have extra help around the house and because many people still do not practice family planning and use birth control. The number of children per woman is decreasing, but it remains high in many rural areas.

Despite sometimes huge families, the nuclear family appears to be strong. For example, for newborn babies, mothers show them lots of love, caressing them, kissing them, playing with them. The babies are practically a part of the mother in their first year or so, spending most of their time on her back or breastfeeding, so the physical bond is very close and surely leads to a strong emotional bond as well. When children get older, much less public affection is shown to them, but it would be difficult to argue that they have just “fallen out of favor” with the parents who doted on them as a baby. The fact is that love is expressed differently in Rwanda, be it the familial type or the romantic type. For example, it is rare to see adult Rwandans in a romantic relationship walking down the road holding hands, and I have seen exactly one Rwandan couple kiss in my time here (one-and-a half years this month). The reason I can say with confidence that children are still loved as they grow older is that family ties are so strong. Children often live at home until they marry and start their own families: in my host family in Nyanza there were four children over 18, and three lived at home (one of whom was 27), while the fourth only lived in Kigali because that was where she had found a job, not because she was married. Even after marriage or moving out because of a job, people return home as often as they can to see their families on special occasions such as public holidays, anniversaries, etc. or even just the occasional weekend.

Now, as far as the functioning of the family goes, everyone helps out to ensure that the household runs properly. Often times (though there are undoubtedly exceptions), women clean, cook, and farm while men tend to animals (cows, goats, sheep), repair the house, and farm. Children help in whatever way they can, depending on their age and size: fetching water or firewood, cutting weeds, or maybe helping to take care of younger siblings.

Members of the extended family may also be included in a household. These tend to be mostly grandparents, since they are often incapable of keeping up their own home any more and there is a great respect for elders in the culture. There are also some orphans who live with extended family members such as uncles, aunts, or even grandparents. Having relatives such as uncles and aunts living with their nieces and nephews under normal circumstances is rarer, but I am sure there are instances when it happens. These cases would probably occur when they live near to the nuclear family, but they may live far away and rarely be seen.

The discussion of the family set-up brings up the question of how children are raised and by whom. As I stated above and in my blog post on children and childhood, infants are cared for almost exclusively by their mothers, practically living on their backs and at their breasts. Post-infancy, they are still mostly raised by their mothers, but as they become more mobile older siblings and other mothers in the village help raise them: it takes a village to raise a child, as they say. When a grandparent lives with the family, he/she helps raise the child, especially grandmothers. Grandparents may also help in the case of orphans. I have met one boy who is in the care of, and lives with, his grandmother only (he is not an orphan). Ultimately, grandparents do not seem to be relied upon to help care for children, but it may happen when circumstances such as proximity allow.

Now we'll look at the roles and responsibilities of family adults. As noted above, it is mostly the parents who are responsible for raising their children. At school, when we have parent meetings both mothers and fathers come, with attendance at around 60% women and 40% men, so they both are invested in their children's upbringing. To support the family, typically both parents work and raise whatever money they can. Women mostly work in and around the house and sell goods in the local markets, while men most often work outside the home, perhaps cultivating the fields or maybe as a bicycle or motorcycle taxi driver. Of course, there are many women who work outside of the home, as well, especially in the bigger towns and cities.

As for extended family members (uncles, aunts, and grandparents), they are not necessarily involved in the nuclear family, but they help out when they are around, stepping in to help raise the children or doing things around the house such as cooking to help the family. And, in reality, the village is like one big family. For the most part everybody knows everyone else, and anyone will help keep children out of trouble (especially other mothers and older women); help around the house in times of distress (e.g. a death); or lend materials and manpower to help with weddings, naming ceremonies, and other celebrations.

In the end, the family relationships found in Rwanda do not differ greatly from those in the U.S. Yes, there may be greater similarities with a more distant time in the U.S, particularly with respect to the roles of mothers and fathers and how children are expected to physically contribute to the household from a young age. And, love for children may not be as visibly apparent. (Some Peace Corps Volunteers complain about the lack of love and emotion shown towards others, but it seems to be there somewhere, just expressed in a different way.) Finally, the involvement of extended family members varies depending on the family's situation and physical proximity to other family members, but the respect for elders in the culture means that it is most often grandparents, if anybody, who live with their children and grandchildren, receiving care from their children while at the same time helping to care for their grandchildren. In the end, the families, with their intricate relations, are just a part of a bigger family, Rwandan society, and their job is to promote and advance this larger family.

Murabeho until next month!

Happy birthday this month: Mom, Kristen, Chelsea, Mackenzie, Granny, Uncle Paul

Next month's blog post: Land ownership (a request by Nanny)